Women

• Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that
  when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers..
• Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... "You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
• My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen bitch.....do it and die."
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!