Yesterday 20th December was a strange day for me-I'm not naturally maudelin but that was the anniversary of the day my dear Pa dies- 24 years ago. For some reason it weighed on my mind all day.
I realised last year that Christmas is difficult for me- I guess to an outsider that would be obvious but I think I'd always thought I had a handle on it. I think the feeling that remained with me that day all those years ago was fear- fear that just when things were going well disaster would strike. Of course through time I have realised that life is far too random to view it in such a black or white way but I think I pushed that fear down and it became embedded in me.
I have a great life-in fact I'd go so far as to say if what happened all those years ago hadn't happened I would be here today as I am. After all it's your life experiences that shape us and make us who we are.
So this fear I felt all those years ago when my world was turned on it's head is still in my somewhere and it manifests itself at Christmas. Now none of this is surprising but what does one do to excise fear? Is it a simple rubbing out process or is it a case of practising being without fear?
Maybe now I am aware of the ambivelance I feel at Christmas I can now start to overcome it- I hope so. Christmas is a time to count your blessings and enjoy the company of family of friends, eat and be merry and remember all the magical things about the world.
So here's to my Pa who left 24 years ago at a time when he was in a job he loved and enjoying great success- he was a larger than life character, highly intelligent, curious and born talker! I miss you still but I will always remember you with love, smelling of ciggies and bristly kisses, making me squeal with laughter and reading me bedtime stories. Love you Pa!